My partner is being extorted by his adult kids

Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena, Kristin, and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Ilyce Glink is Pay Dirt’s new weekly columnist. She is the founder and CEO of Best Money Moves, a financial wellness company, and the author of more than a dozen books on personal finance and real estate, including 100 Questions Every First-Time Home Buyer Should Ask. She also writes a newsletter called Love, Money + Real Estate. You can find her on X, Facebook, YouTube, or on LinkedIn.

Dear Pay Dirt,

My partner and I have been together for seven years. We both entered the relationship with properties and agreed to keep separate accounts other than our house bills/retirement. We met because I was friends with his late second wife. I own several properties and have no children. He used to own his old childhood ranch and has two adult children in their 30s.

My relationship with them is chilly because I don’t enjoy how they treat their father. Their affections depend on how quickly their father opens his wallet to their demands; otherwise, it is straight-up emotional manipulation. My partner hasn’t done anything egregious by normal standards. He was a fairly involved father but had to travel. This required the family to move several times and his children act as though they were forced to live in a third-world country. This topic only comes up when they need money. Both have declined several offers of therapy—both family and individual.

At some point, adults need to take ownership of their own choices. 30-plus is too old to keep running to daddy to fix your mistakes. I usually stay out of it and let my partner deal with them, but he recently confessed to giving both his kids over $50,000 each for “expenses” and depleting his personal savings. Then he got laid off. At his age, he is going to struggle to find another job even close to making what he used to. Now everything is on me. All our bills, including his car payment, and the life I thought we had are gone. All our travel plans and thoughts of actually retiring on time are gone. I contacted the kids with the news of their dad being laid off and asked if they would consider some partial repayment to help their father out. His daughter actually laughed at the notion and said that the money was her rightful due because her father never openly supported her art career. She went to a private college to get her BA in fine arts. Guess who paid for it? I work full-time and have my other properties but this was my line in the sand.

My partner swears it was just a mistake and he will do anything to make up for it. We agreed he would focus on his job search but my mind keeps going to when his kids will blow through the money and come crawling back. What happens when they play the grandkid hook? We’ve done counseling in the past but it keeps circling around to his acting like a doormat with his kids. His late wife was a saint for putting up with more dramatic versions of BS when the kids were teens and I wonder what my friend would do here. I love him but not enough to set myself on fire. Could you give an outside perspective? I very much need it.

—Tense in Texas

Dear Tense in Texas,

You’ve asked for some perspective, so let’s start at the 30,000-foot view: According to new data from Pew Research Center, nearly 60 percent of parents reported that they financially supported their kids in the last year. Just 45 percent of young adults (age 18 to 34) are financially independent, but 75 percent hope to get there someday. According to Savings.com, parents who are helping out give an average of nearly $1,400 per month to their young adult children.

Life’s expensive. Parents are helping, often at the expense of their own lifestyle or future retirement. That said, there’s a big difference between parents providing necessary financial support so their kids can afford groceries or prescription medications and kids using emotional blackmail to get enough money for a beach vacation.

All of it is optional for parents. The question I’d ask: Why does your partner feel so guilty about the way he was able to provide for his family in the past that he is in danger of losing his present and future? Lots of families move frequently. Military kids know that every year or two might bring a new base or a new country. You have to adapt to thrive, and that’s an important survival skill. Not easy, but necessary.

These aren’t your kids, which probably gives you a clearer picture of what’s really going on. I’m just guessing here, but the kids are still mad their mother died (an assumption, though perhaps they divorced and just your friend, the second wife, died) and have psychologically blamed it on their dad. They’re making him pay. Literally. And you’re right—it’s not fair to either of you. You definitely shouldn’t put your hard-earned financial security at risk, which is going to mean you’ll have a tough choice in the not-too-distant future if he isn’t willing to reprioritize his funds and start to see his family relationships for what they actually are: transactional.

Before you get there, though, you and your partner should find a couples therapist who can help you work through this challenging time. I know you mention having seen one before and it getting you two nowhere, but seeing someone during this particularly difficult moment may help keep your sessions focused (and not all couples counselors will be the right fit). He might also want to unpack some of this emotional family baggage separately, so he can build up his reservoir of “No,” which for my money is the most valuable word in the English language.

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Dear Pay Dirt,

How does one begin to think of creating a budget for a wedding? My fiancé (M28, F28) and I got engaged about two years ago now and are finally in a place where we want to start thinking about wedding planning. Exciting! Less exciting: figuring out just how much weddings cost. We have quite a bit in a general bucket of savings for things like future trips, a wedding, a home (who even knows in this economy), emergencies, etc. But we’re honestly not even sure how to determine what is a reasonable amount to spend on a wedding. Ideally, I’d love the whole proper wedding weekend, 70-80 people, in some beautiful nature-y place in the U.S. rather than just a small elopement, but it also feels so hard to spend several thousands of dollars on a single weekend. How do we begin to think about this? And how does one even nail down a number? (Our parents may contribute small amounts, but I’d like to pay for most if not all on our own!)

—Wedding Out

Dear Wedding Out, 

I have some friends whose kids want to spend no more than $20,000 on a wedding for about 100 people. So, they’re looking for a venue in Mexico. What they’re finding is that even in a place that’s sort of off the beaten path, weddings are expensive. And, that’s before you ask everyone to fly somewhere. I love that you want to do this on your own, and I agree: There are good ways to do this without it costing a fortune. But like everything in life, that means compromises. You either compromise on the location, venue, food, extras, or the number of people you invite to share your day.

Here’s the mistake many people make: They decide to have a “dream” wedding with all the trimmings, and charge it all on their credit cards. So, they start their married life with a pile of debt and defer dreams of financial self-sufficiency.

As to your question of how to start thinking this through, my husband, Sam, loves to say, “What’s the budget?” Start there. How much can you afford to spend without putting off all the rest of your life’s dreams? If the answer is $5,000, then that’s where you start. The next question is who do you invite to share this special day? Write out your list of invitees and then prioritize them: family, friends, neighbors, work colleagues. Count them up. If you have 100 invitees, then you can afford to spend an average of $50 each. If you have 10, you can spend $500 (don’t forget to include yourself and your fiancé).

Having trouble sorting through your list of names? Consider assigning each name to the A, B, or C list. The A list are people who bring you total joy. You couldn’t have your special day without every one of them. The B list are close friends, but not as close as the A list. The C list is everyone else. Obviously, when funds are tight, focus on the As. Another way couples economize on weddings is to have that dream destination wedding, knowing that some people just won’t go. Or, they limit the guest list to immediate family and then have a casual party at home after to celebrate. And, they don’t have a hoard of bridesmaids and groomsmen, but instead ask siblings only or one close friend to stand up for them.

There’s a lot of fuss around weddings these days. And a lot of time and money is spent that might be better used elsewhere as you start your lives together. Getting on the same page now says a lot about your compatibility and hints at the long-term success of your relationship. Congrats on your marriage.

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Dear Pay Dirt,

My husband and I have saved abysmally for our children’s college—they have 529s but only a little more than $1,000 in each. Our finances are and have been split for many years, though we file taxes as a married couple. We have told the children my husband and I will each give them $7,000 each per year for four years of college. Our in-state tuition at a four-year university near us that at least our older child is interested in is $22,500 for room and board and tuition, so that equates to them being responsible for just over a third of their college expenses per year.

While we didn’t do a good job saving, we earn enough and have small enough bills that we can save the $7,000 and still live comfortably. Now we are trying to figure out where to put the roughly $583 we need to put aside every month per kid for four years. Do we max out the 529 for tax purposes and then put the remaining amount in an interest-bearing savings account? Do we do some short-term CDs? We also have two different situations—one child headed to college in 17 months and one over three years. Do we do something different for each of them?

—College Savings Isn’t for the Faint of Heart

Dear College Savings,

You and your spouse did a fine job of saving for college. You’re giving your child two-thirds the cost of in-state tuition at a university. That leaves your child to shoulder less than $10,000 per year (a guess, since tuition, and room and board seem to rise at about 10 percent per year at colleges), or call it $40,000 over the four years.

There are ways to pay for this other than taking on so much debt. They could get a job now and start salting away that cash and get some great life lessons along the way. I don’t know where you live, but in my area, babysitters make more than $20/hour, and that’s usually off the books. They could also plan to get a part-time job while attending school and defray the cost. Or, they could live at home for the first two years and go to a local community college. They could then transfer those credits to their state university, and the cost of college could be cut in half. Mix and match at will.

As to where you should put your cash, you could max out a 529 college savings account for each child. After that, because college bills are coming up quickly, I’d put the cash in a high-yield online savings account rather than taking a bigger risk with stocks. Some accounts are paying 4 to 5 percent, which is pretty good for short-term cash. Bankrate lists a lot of these accounts, and it’s easy to apply online and transfer funds into them. Just make sure you choose a bank that’s FDIC insured. Read the fine print. You may be limited to a small number of monthly withdrawals, which shouldn’t be a problem since the point of the account is to accumulate as much as possible with a few transfers every quarter or semester when the tuition bill arrives.

Keep in mind that if you need cash in the next three to five years, either to pay tuition or to use as a down payment for a house or car, it’s short-term cash. You don’t have enough time to ride out the ups and downs of the stock market. My advice is to treat the money for your younger child the same way as your older child. Open a high-yield account and start making regular deposits.

Final thought: Tuition, and room and board will rise over the next three years until your younger child starts college. In the interest of fairness, their $7,000 per year might need to be slightly higher, depending on what happens with tuition inflation.

Dear Pay Dirt,

I’m in my 60s and have been with my boyfriend for three years. We both were married for 30-plus years and have grown children. He was divorced in 2019 and, as part of his divorce, both partners agreed that his ex-wife would live in their house until it was sold in 2020. He was obligated to pay about half the housing costs until the house was sold. It’s now 2024 and his ex-wife has refused to put the house on the market, recently telling him that maybe in another year she will be ready. My boyfriend has continued to pay his share of the housing costs so of course, the ex is comfortable with the arrangement and wants it to continue. My boyfriend doesn’t have enough money to pay the now exorbitant rental rates for his own living expenses and his share of the co-owned house costs. He says he wants the house to be sold soon.

I suggested he stop subsidizing his ex-wife’s housing and that that might result in a quicker sale. The ex-wife allowed the 30-something son and daughter-in-law to move in with her more than a year ago in order to facilitate their saving a down payment for a house purchase. The son doesn’t know that, as part of his parents’ divorce, the house was required to be sold in 2020. I’m more savvy than my boyfriend and his family regarding real estate sales and how important it is to abide by a divorce decree. I feel that I’m being perceived as the villain in this story because not only do I want my boyfriend to be freed from this financial burden, but I am also making suggestions for how he can easily accomplish that (e.g. stop subsidizing her housing costs, bring a contempt action, etc). I just want my boyfriend to be independent of the lingering complications of his divorce. (He also still allows his ex to use a credit card that is in his name).

For the last couple of years, he has assured me that the house would be sold this year (2024). Based on those assurances I agreed that our relationship could move to the next level and thus we are more committed to each other including financially (I have multiple houses and he often lives with me). We are very happy together, aside from this situation that I’m now thinking will never be resolved. I’m also wondering if I should withdraw somewhat from the relationship, let him get his life in order in this respect, and then pick up where we left off.

—Very Happy Except for These Parts

Dear Very Happy Except for These Parts,

It doesn’t sound as though your partner is unhappy enough with what’s going on to make a move—if he’s unhappy at all. If he was, he’d have gone back to divorce court a long time ago to force his ex to sell the house.

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You’re being perceived as the villain in the story because you’re butting in where you should be butting out. Your partner, if he’s truly disgruntled and wants the house to be sold soon, needs to have a firm conversation with his ex about timelines. Or, he needs to go to court. What he doesn’t need is you prodding him about his choices and bragging about your real estate expertise.

But here’s where you do play a role: You get to decide for yourself if you’re truly “Very Happy Except for These Parts” or not. If you’re actually happy and don’t mind having your partner live with you in one of your many houses while he works through this situation on his own, then great. Relax and enjoy his company. If you can’t stand it, then believe what your partner is showing you: He’s content enough with the current situation, isn’t really done with his marriage, or maybe just wants to help support his former spouse and child as they go through these expensive years.

In his worldview, they come first. And, they may always come first. If that doesn’t work for you, step back, ask him to find somewhere else to live, and move on.

—Ilyce

More Advice From Slate

My father walked out on me when I was 10, because I didn’t treat his mistress the way he wanted me to. I wanted my mom and dad together, and she very obviously was the reason why I didn’t have that anymore. Mom had to go to court over child support. My father and his new wife immediately started having kids and my dad didn’t think he owed what the state told him because of that. I’m now 22 and I didn’t hear from him until this year.

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